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Monday, March 29, 2004
I could never keep eye contact for lengthy periods of time.
I would look at her eyes and quickly move to some other feature or something behind her or to the left. I am not sure how this might have had an affect on her, it must have seemed as though I had something to hide, I just couldn't look at her. I wanted to look at her; I wanted to get lost in her eyes.
I just couldn't keep eye contact.
Friday, March 26, 2004
A crown of independence.
A search for truth and knowledge comes up with nothing. Perhaps truth has become emptiness and a lack of thought.
My search begins much like it will end, with questions regarding the world and emptiness.
Am I going to search the world for the truth in time?
Or time in truth?
Explanations of time, like those in the (my) past (and future) writings convey a confusion of what reality is.
Time moves, then becomes still, empty of its reality only in concept because time has no form or substance.
It is what it is, a measurement to explain in thought and deed.
I was in a bar. I decided to begin with nothing again, as I am accustomed to. I do what comes natural; I watch people and make myself an outcast, by not talking.
Independence is its own reward, and I am in search of my crown, my crown of independence.
My friends claim to see it every once in awhile, my crown, floating above me like a halo, like I'm some sort of deity or saint. I am far from a saint.
I'm not sure what I am, most likely the fool.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Trying to think
At some point, I felt numb. The thought of a woman I met keep racing through my head.
I saw her face in a dream I had, she was talking to me but I could not hear her words from across the room. I wanted to move closer, but I was held back by something or nothing. The dream felt like a place I've been before, but I didn't recognize it.
The numbness subsided and was replaced with confusion. My days seem to blend into one another, a never ending day of the same things happening, the same sights and sounds. My confusion causes me to drift away as if I were on that raft we found on the lake in Indiana. My thoughts drifting away on choppy waters of late winter.
Before her lightness.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Things and stuff
I started the new painting "together" or "to get her" this week, the stencil is cut and down on the canvas, waiting for paint. I think something is missing from this piece, but as always its an additive process with me so I'm not worried. The painting is a portrait of a woman, half her face on the right side of the canvas, the placement makes me feel something is missing, the composition seems heavy right now, but that may be due to the stencil covering up the rest of the piece.
This is the first large canvas I've worked on in some time, I've been avoiding the bigger pieces for many reasons, but mostly because of space issues, it becomes increasingly harder to lean over the canvas and cut out the stencil or mask when you can't really get around it. Not that this piece is monumental, it's only 24 by 36 inches, but when your working in a small room filled with stuff it can get annoying.